Censorship is wrong and bad

I am currently engaged in a cutthroat courtroom battle with my literary agent, DongWon Song, re: my first amendment right to compose and publish novels about mole-people.

Obviously this is a slam-dunk case. I deserve to write the stories that need to be told. The world deserves to read those stories.

When I inevitably win what I expect will be a drawn-out, ruthless courtroom battle involving a LOT of character defamation, I'll need to have pitches ready to send publishers. Here are the five best pitches I've workshopped during the sleepless nights I've spent at my writing desk, nursing a bottle of Werther's-infused gin and scribbling frantically about the sexy mole-people that haunt my every creative thought.

Sexy Mole-People Haunted House
The Haunting of Hill House meets Amityville Horror, but with sexy mole-people

Josh, Twill, Rhea and Abarnale are ready to make their names as paranormal investigators. They get access to the infamous Dirt House for a weekend - a house where the walls are made of soil and the rooms are allegedly packed with ghosts. But the ghosts turn out to have too-solid flesh, and the ghost-hunters will have to reckon with long-buried passions that will haunt all four of them. Dirt House is hungry, and there's only one thing that will sate its ancient appetites...

Sexy Mole-People Noir
The Maltese Falcon meets Raymond Chandler, but with sexy mole-people

Detective Greg Hardest knows he's in trouble when Letitia Morgan walks into his office. The widow is the sole heir to the Morgan estate. She's inherited the money and property of her late husband, Earl Morgan, founder of the Morgan Earth-Moving Company... and she's got a secret. She hires Greg as private protection, claiming to have received a series of death threats from a Mr. Oleman. As he tries to track Oleman down, Greg Hardest will find himself drawn deep into the underground world of Earth-Movers. He'll also find himself unable to resist the mysterious allure of Letitia Morgan, who has eyes full of secrets and a closet full of skeletons. She could prove to be the only woman alive who can make the restless detective settle down - or she could prove to be his downfall.

Sexy Mole-People Publishing Workplace Intrigue
The Devil Wears Prada meets Ugly Betty, but with sexy mole-people

Amanda Digthumb is so excited about her first real job in publishing that she doesn't listen to anyone's warnings about her new boss. Magatha Flouton is notorious for running Earthworm Monthly with an iron fist, but Amanda is certain that she'll be able to charm Magatha with her can-do attitude. Amanda's big plan is to do such a great job as Magatha's assistant that she'll get promoted to Staff Writer before her 25th birthday. There's just one problem: Magatha is immune to charm. She's immune to pep, she's immune to grit - she's even immune to homemade macaroni and cheese.
Amanda has one last weapon up her sleeve, though. And judging by the lingering glances Magatha thinks she hasn't noticed, Amanda is pretty sure her new boss isn't immune... to lust.

Sexy Mole-People Travel Through Time
Back to the Future meets Groundhog Day, but with sexy mole-people

Gina Topo has a big problem. When she goes to sleep on Friday night, she's ready for a restful weekend of gardening - but when she wakes up, it isn't Saturday. It's Sunday.

It's a Sunday in 1978.

The first time Gina experiences that Sunday, she crosses paths with a girl who she quickly realizes is her grandmother. As she relives that same Sunday over and over again, Gina comes to understand that she's there for a reason. It's a Sunday that will change her grandmother Imelda's life forever. It's the Sunday of the Big Dig, a groundbreaking ceremony for the record-setting giant ball pit that will become Imelda's legacy. It's the Sunday when Imelda will discover the people living under the surface of the town. It's the Sunday when Gina's mother will be conceived.

But Imelda is getting cold feet about the ceremony, and as she continues to relive the same day, Gina will need to find a way to collaborate with her grandfather to make sure the ceremony happens. She just has to figure out how to get in touch with him... one hundred feet below the surface of the earth.

Sexy Mole-People Dystopia
The Hunger Games meets Divergent, but with sexy mole-people

In Valderthone, a person's value is determined by the thickness of their fingernails. Those with thin fingernails rise to the top of society, living in luxury, wanting for nothing. Those with thick fingernails toil in darkness and misery, never allowed to look at the sun, eating only the soil discarded by the Thin-Nails once they've had their fill.
But Xemolea has a secret: she was born with two sets of fingernails. When a disastrous Clipping Ceremony ends with her secret being revealed, her life is thrown into upheaval. She's forced to choose between worlds. Will she accept the proposal of Prince Star-nose, embracing the comforts of the upper-crust? Or will she stick by her best friend Martin, who has never judged her by her fingernails?

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