Melting Potatoes

• 4 min read

It's been a real ass-mangler of a week.


On the first day that my Magic for Liars book tour was over, a lot of fascists decided to use me as a dartboard on the internet! They've been hitting me up on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and via my website contact form to let me know about the things that they would like to do to me, most of which involve bullets. I would describe it as decidedly un-tubular. But you know what is tubular? ✨TUBERS✨

(Tuber-ular? Sure.)

As I recover from May and June and the first hellish week of June, all of which were completely bonkers for completely different reasons, I've been cooking a lot. I've discovered a recipe which is officially my favorite new potato preparation: MELTING POTATOES. These potatoes are crispy on the outside and creamy on the inside, and their flavor is intense and delightful.

Okay, here's the thing. I've tried a lot of times, and... there just isn't a way for me to make these potatoes look pretty until they're on the plate. They're potatoes. They're completely delicious, but they're potatoes. The preparation process looks potato-ey, and until they're right in front of you, they don't look aesthetically pleasing. So I'm just going to use pictures of bulldog puppies from the internet instead, because they also look like potatoes, but they're cute, too.

Okay, melting potatoes! Let's do it.

Step one: Get Some Ingredients. I'm using Yukon Gold Potatoes for this recipe, and I have absolutely no information to back up that potato choice, but it works pretty well. 3-4 Lbs of Yukon Gold Potatoes seems to work well. You'll also need 1 stick of butter, salt, pepper, paprika, onion powder, thyme powder, 2 cloves of garlic, and 1 cup of chicken or vegetable stock.

(A note: usually, when I'm reading a recipe, I quadruple the garlic that's called for. In this recipe, you don't need to do that. The garlic speaks loudly because of when it enters the recipe. 2 cloves is all you need, I promise.)

Step two: Preheat your oven to 490 degrees. I know, that's a lot of degrees. Open a window and turn on your vent fan now. There's going to be some smoke from whatever shit is stuck to the inside of your oven. There's just no getting around it.

Step three: Peel the potatoes and square off the ends, then slice them into 1" discs.

Step four: MAKE SOME FLAVOR-BUTTER. Melt one stick of butter (that's a half cup). Put some paprika, some onion powder, some powdered thyme, salt, and ground black pepper in the butter and whisk it all together. Pour this combination over the potato disks and toss it all together. I recommend using a spatula for this so you don't end up covered in butter, but if you want to end up covered in butter, then, you know... do you.

Step five: Put those buttered potato discs onto a sheet pan in a single layer. If there's leftover seasoned butter, just pour it over the potatoes. Do it. Be aggressive.

Step six: Cook those babies for 15 minutes. Then pull them out, flip them over with a spatula, and cook them for another 15 minutes.

~*INTERLUDE*~
While the potatoes are cooking, heat up 1 cup of chicken or vegetable stock. Dice the garlic and put it into the hot stock, then let it sit so that the stock gets garlicful.

Step seven: After the potatoes have been in the oven for a total of thirty minutes - that's fifteen minutes per side - pull them out and flip them over again. Pour the garlic-chicken-stock directly onto the pan. Be careful: it'll probably send up a lot of steam.

Step eight: Leave the potatoes in the oven for seven minutes. Then turn the heat off, wait for three minutes, and pull the potatoes out.

Whatever liquid is left in the pan, pour a spoonful of it over the potatoes when you plate them. Don't be alarmed if there are little black bits in there - they won't taste like Burnt Garbage, they'll taste like Good Delicious Potato Sprinkles.

YOU DID IT. You have Melting Potatoes! Good job! Celebrate by eating them all. I like to serve these with a lemon-and-herb aioli and a crisp, fresh salad.

A final note in case you didn't see it on social media: I'm going to be scaling up the output of HERE'S THE THING for as long as I'm taking a break from Twitter! Expect to see several more newsletters in your inbox this month, and please feel free to share excerpts from the newsletter on social media at your discretion. If anyone you know wants to subscribe, you can send them this link.

And most importantly: if you can't be fearless, be brave. This world is yours to occupy. Never let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve to live a life of courage and butter and bulldog puppies and outrageous, ostentatious joy.

Until next time,
Gailey

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